P.e.r. f.e.c.t

(no subject)

this is really random but i was thinking about when i was 5 and me and my friend (who was 4) used to rent Mary Kate and Ashley videos every weekend. I was always Mary Kate. We acted and sang everything out. She was always my favorite. The irony.
P.e.r. f.e.c.t

(no subject)

After a delayed flight out of tampa I left for JFK in New York. I was sure I was going to miss my connection but we got to NY at 5:45 so i figured if it was delayed i would have enough time to get there. No. Our plane circled for an hour and a half because the weather was so bad and visibility was down. They were bringing the planes in one at a time and half of them were missing the runway!

When we got off I was told to go re-check-in to get my flight changed. After standing in two wrong lines I found the right one and was asked why i missed my standby flight. Maybe because no one told me i was on standby for a flight that had just closed its boarding gates. Lovely. I was then informed that I would be put on standby for the next flight out (the next day at 6pm) and would def. be on a flight for the following night at 6pm.

Suffice it to say I started bawling and asking the guy what i was supposed to do. I was alone, in NY with no money (i left my card in my baggage which was God knows where)and nowhere to stay. Never been there before either so I was beside myself. They did nothing for me.

The next 5 hours were spent on the phone with my parents and my boyfriend as they tried to get me to either London or back home. Since the storm was so bad and widespread the amount of cancellations and stranded people was insane. Somehow after an hour and a half talking to a Delta angent via phone and then a manager my dad managed to get me a flight for 6am the next morning to Atlanta (nearly all the way back home) and then out from there at 9 that night to London. It wasn't a proper connecting flight so when i went to get my tickets confirming these flights (stood in line for 3 hours with only 5 people in front of me) the guy at the counter started going off about how they shouldn't have given this to me and blah blah. he was also bitching because he was supposed to have gone home and that he had been there since 3pm. I thought, wow.. he's been here for 10 WHOLE HOURS! Whoopdee fucking do! He also went on to say young people shouldn't travel without their parents because they get too panicky and impatient. Hmm.. i think he thought i was about 12.

After that I camped out on the floor along with many many others. It looked like a shelter for the homeless or something. The delta agents passed out little bottles of water and blankets. My cell phone then died to add to everything so I was cut off from everyone. My charger was in my checked baggage of course.

Ok, so then i stayed awake playing chess and solataire on my laptop since my phone was dead and i couldn't set an alarm. i didn't want to take a chance on missing my flight due to sleep! I made it to Atlanta the next day and was lucky enough that my boss' wife lives 20 minutes from that airport. She came and picked me up and gave me a floor of her house (she has a 3 story house that is absolutely AMAZING!). I slept until 7pm and I had to eat dinner with her and the family. Eek! I ate because i didnt want to seem rude.

Anyway.. i made it to the airport again after that and set out. I made friends with a boy on the plane so it made the flight not so bad. After watching a movie i fell asleep and didnt wake up until a little bit before we landed!

Now i'm at rich's (with my luggage that beat me to london) and settling in. We have digital cable now and more channels than i know what to do with! Now if i can just get the xbox working.
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P.e.r. f.e.c.t

thanksgiving rant!

It's after thanksgiving but i've read so much stuff about people complaining about gaining weight over thanksgiving and i don't get it.. it's just like any other day.. granted.. if you have family around and tons of food as i did .. you can't just 'not eat' but you dont have to eat enough to gain .. i had a bit of turkey .. some mashed potatoes and carrots. enough to make me gain a pound .. but i lost it the next day but NOT EATING. maybe some people can't get away with not eating but just because it's thanksgiving doesn't mean you have to gorge. think about it and don't make the same mistake around christmas time and then bitch about it. i eat those meals just like i would anything else. i eat sparingly and for show so the family won't question me. no reason to get ridiculous with it though..
P.e.r. f.e.c.t

(no subject)

i can't believe i wrote such a long and useless entry.

case in point.. i got fat again (132) .. i got normal (109) now i'm shooting for skinny (who knows!)
P.e.r. f.e.c.t

for me

I guess it's about time for this. all the good communities are pretty much gone .. no one is very active but then again lj has taken a turn for the worst. I've been gone for a while. I usually do disappear when i gain weight .. here's the lowdown ..

i went to London in March for Spring Break .. i was about 106-108. By May i was 123 .. I went to london again .. came back end of June and was 132. It's been a slow process with maybe one or two purges and it is .. dec. Beginning. As of this morning i was 109. Lowest i've been since march. I didn't do it fairly though. well .. for a while i did.. well .. i tried adderall which is for ADD. I had managed to get to 125 when i tried it and the next morning i was near 120. Didn't have access to it really until now and i'm almost out but its helped tremendously. i took a half of one the other night and even today i didn't want to eat but i kept getting dizzy and sick feeling so i ate some of my brother food (some fries and a bite of his sandwich). I took one tonight though so we shall see where i stand in the morning. Don't really have any goals. Just want to lose.

Even though its taken me awhile.. being 109 as opposed to 132 is amazing. It's been about 2 weeks since i was 116 though so its dropped quick with the pills. i'm scared i'm going to put it all back on though when the pills run out. not sure what i'm shooting for anymore. usually i have a goal but .. now i just want to lose until im happy ..

i was happy today though. i spent 2 hours getting pretty even though i had nowhere to go. danced in front of the mirrors and squaled with joy over my weight. for once it wasn't the number. my clothes just fit again and everything looked decent on me. . i was happy until the end of the day .. even though i didn't really eat. i was wondering the whole time how long it would last. . not long.

i'm going to london again .. most likely Jan. 23rd. I want to set a goal so badly. i had set 112 for the last time rich was down and i only managed 114. I was upset.. after two weeks though i was only at 116 so that motivated me.. 109 though now. . i wanted 106 before i saw him again (thats about how much i was when i met him) but now it seems too easy. . i liked 94 but that might be setting the bar too high. i don't think 104 or 102 is too much though. I have more than a month after all. Pills or not. It's easy to not eat now .. the only problem is feeling like shit. not being able to sit up without being overtaken by darkness and such.. i have finals next week.. i need to be in decent shape .. well.. finals for two weeks really. Tomorrow i must spend at the library doing work. I should stay at school and just not go home. *sigh* even if i dont have my books i can get some stuff done.. no excuses.

back to my WEIGHT!!!! my obsession is always there but the intensity of it comes and goes. it was high before i started dating jason and then after i dated him it went up and down. i had to eat when i was around him. . to some degree anyhow. he'd let me get to 102 before he'd start bitching about it. not worth the fight i suppose. rich is in london though. he gets pissed now when i tell him i haven't ate so i don't tell him but when he asks i don't lie. he just kind of assumes though when i say i've lost weight that ive done it by not eating. its the only way i know how to lose weight.

the other day i ate 3/4 of a salad and gained a pound. i know it was because i hadn't been eating but still. . it was baffling. anyhow .. my point was that my obsession is at an all time high .. especially since i'm losing steadly. i'm running out of pills though. i need more ..

what am i going to do in london?? i need my pills!! either that or i go more hardcore which id like to avoid..

i have to admit i'm scared though.. i realized today something is wrong since i was happy about my weight most of the day and then suddenly (even though i hadn't changed) i started looking fat and horrible. . i didn't change so why did my feelings about it?

honestly .. i don't care. I just want to be thin. . it was good to see 1-0-anything though. .


So . . I took the last Adderall pill tonight. It was a pathetic attempt to make up for what i ate today. I wish I could rewind a week to when I began to get hungry again. Somehow I feel like I could stop it if given the chance. Being with a boy who constantly tells you you're gorgeous is hard. I know that sounds ridiculous but when someone tells you often enough and sincere enough, it's starts to make you wonder what they're seeing that you're not. It also makes you comfortable. I even stopped looking in the mirror below my face. Hmm . .

I know when he went away for a few days . . I took Adderall and I had lost visable weight by the time he came back home. I felt better about myself despite the fact that I was still at a weight that was far heavier than I am used to being. I think that made me comfortable too and for his final week I ate nearly normal with him. We went out every night and I thought I was doing good . . but then he said that it was silly for us to go out to eat when I would only take a couple of bites and be full. Funny thing was .. i would actually be full. That's a first in years. A couple of bites and I would be too full to eat anymore. I felt bad though. The last night he was in we went out to a semi-fancy place. My main dinner was nearly $20 and while I only ate a couple of bites, I took it home, alone with dessert. Even though he was gone . . i ate on my left over food for three days before I finally threw away what was left. The dessert, aside from a few bites i took the night we got it, is still in my fridge. Not even tempting for me.

I have to be thrilled by the fact that I have gotten rid of all of those horrible food addictions. It would seem that for the last two years. . nearly three now .. i find a food, usually a sweet food, and i fixate on it. I can't relax or even breathe unless i've had it. This was always on top of whatever else I would consume. It has ranged from chips, to cakes, cookies, ice cream, smoothies, milk shakes, and the hardest to shake, reeses cups. . the little ones. I wouldn't binge on any of it mind you. I would drink exactly half of the milkshake or smoothie for example .. or 5 mini reeses cups a night. But it adds up for sure. I don't know how I managed to maintain and lose weight despite all of that. It's beyond me.

I'm optimistic lately. I currently have ZERO of those addictions. I go to bed at night without craving a thing. I rarely drink soda, diet or otherwise whereas once, I was a caffeine addict. When I was young, and ironically underweight to a ridiculous extent, I would drink a whole 12 pack through the day if i could get away with it. I don't even care for coffee anymore. I have even begun to drink water *gasp*. I've managed by drinking flavored water . . but lately I have been drinking one to two bottles of normal water. Now, for those that can drink a gallon a day, this is no feat. To someone who has never been able to get down more than 1/4 of a glass without gagging. . it is the world. What does this mean? Less money to spend on beverages! I may even get a taste of what its like to NOT be dehydrated nearly all of the time.

So . . I've kicked my sweets and soda habit . . i've learned to tolerate water and I found Adderall. I'm going to try to get my hands on something a little stronger though. I could just try a larger dosage of Adderall first. Then again, just getting a steady supply of what I had would be nice. If I could afford to take it even two days a week I would be set! I wouldn't need it after getting back down to 100 pounds again. . or maybe 95. That was a lovely weight. Once I get there I can do the rest without drugs. . assuming I haven't got too deep in it. =/

Something that has been particularly upsetting to me of late is the demise of my trusted scale. I always keep an analog scale and a digital one handy. My analog scale is always lower most days. . usually by two pounds. I've went by the digital one since i was 16/17. That's a good 3/4 years of relying on that scale. Now . . it disappeared. I'm assuming it broke and got thrown out. I have another digital one but it weighs me 4 pounds morre than my analog, two more than my other digital. In a way it's good because even if it's not true . . i'll be heavier than i am according to the scale. Hmm.

Bigger problem. For the time I was on birth control . . my boobs grew a cup size. One of them grew to nearly a cup and a half bigger. Not fun to have one boob that much bigger than the other, also not fun to have them this big at all. Thirdly!!! I have HORRENDOUS stretch marks from it. They completely surround the one breast in dark purple lines. Even after losing ten pounds, they have failed to shrink. Boobs are always the first to go so what the hell!? I can only imagine how much weight those babies add! I don't have any way of knowing how i'm doing compared to how i use to be anymore! Can't compare my weight to anything .. because so much has changed. *sigh*

Regardless I suppose I still have such a far way to go it hardly matters. Is it wrong to want school to start just so that I can try to find someone to sell me Adderall? Something about that seems really wrong to me. On a positive .. although I do believe I gained two pounds since last losing anything ..

While my boyfriend was in Vegas for those two days .. the day before he came home I went through my closet. You see, in March during my spring break when I met my boyfriend, I was 106 pounds. This is borderline average for me. Something I'm OKAY at. That basically means I don't beat myself up as much about my appearance. Never satisfied of course but its a safe weight for me. You all know what I mean. . so .. after spring break I had managed to lose a couple of pounds ironically. Despite the drinking .. although I never ate and I was in London so all I did was walk day in and day out. Well .. a couple weeks later and I find I've gained a good 5 pounds . . a couple more are added after my bf comes for a visit and we do nothing but eat and drink.

WHen he left, I got depressed and had so enjoyed my first real stint with drinking, that I wanted to continue it to make me feel better. I accompanied the drinking with food because I was drinking some foul stuff. Disgusting stuff in fact. The end result was me being upwards to 132 by the time early summer rolled around. About five of those were gained whilst again visiting my boyfriend for 5 weeks this summer. I was relieved when he came down this last time and i found i had little to no appetite. Gaining weight did not happen this visit!

Ok so .. I managed to lose a few pounds on my own and i was about 128. I found Adderall and after only taking it once .. i lost 5 pounds. As of late I'm somewhere around 118 to 120. It's not anywhere near even safe . . or 112 which is my . . gain another pound and im going to fucking kill you state. But it's not 132 either and I keep reminding myself of that. My bf noticed a difference. He didn't say anything though . . i asked him and he felt my tummy and said there was definitely a big difference but that i was beautiful before. . but more beautiful now he assured me. Therefor. . i know my weight matters to him. So anyhow. . when I got up to 132 only three pairs of pants fit. They were labled as threes . . like most of my clothes. . but they were very large 3's that i had always liked because of how big they were on me. Well .. they were the only ones that fit so they got worn a lot. I remember once trying on a skirt that I used to be able to pull on and off without unbuttoning . . and i couldn't get it buttoned for the life of me . . even when i pulled it to my waist. Oh I had a good cry and breakdown that night.

So when my boy was in Vegas I went crazy trying on clothes and while nothing fit like it was supposed to . . i could get into all of it nearly comfortably. This included my little red plaid skirt that I wore to pick my man up from the airport when he returned. Suffice it to say he was happy and asked what i had done to myself while he was gone! heh.

So while it isn't good .. it's definitely progress which is the most i can hope for right now. I won't see my man again for 59 days. During that time I am setting a more than realistic goal of 112. Although . . if I do get a hold of more Adderall, which I just have to or I'll die . . =( I am fairly sure that I can get to that within a couple of weeks. If I reach 112 before my dearest returns to me (for my 20th b-day mind you) than the goal will go lower of course. Ultimately by my birthday, I would be thrilled to be at 106-108 again. 106 is the highest weight that i will get into a bathing suit for. Since I have bigger boobs now .. I may be thinner than i'm use to at 106. Hmm . .

112 seems so unattainable for me for some reason. I guess since I've been so heavy for a while now. Definitely heavier than I was this time last year. Last year I was agonizing over being 107. Psh. What I wouldn't give to have to be worried about 107 again. Soon though I hope. I know it will never be enough. But I also know that 106 is when people start worrying and 102 is when i can breathe a little easier (because that's what i was from 7th grade to 11th grade) . . and at 94 my ribs shows through EVERYTHING i wear. I'm not ready to rush that though because I'll take it for granted. I seem to do far better when I get to a goal weight and kind of float around it for awhile until it begins to disgust me rather than thrill me. Otherwise it will all go back on. I've been so relieved to be around 120 lately after a summer of being 130ish. I'm back to about May now. May is when I began to hit 118-120. I was so upset then. Maybe if I start looking in the mirror more I can muster up all that hate and anger again. Although all it did last time was make me gain 12 more pounds! Bad solution .. hmm. .

Get a hold of some adderall and not eat. That sounds divine. Sometimes I eat because if I dont all i do is sleep. That isn't a problem in the summer but school is starting and I can't do that. Adderall will make me lose tons of weight fast . . while keeping me awake and alert. Seems like a win win to me. I wish I knew how much I would be able to lose in two months if i took Adderall even just once a week. I lost 5 to 8 pounds that first time but i know a lot of it was water weight and it was my first time on it. I should def. be able to hit 108 in two months with Adderall. Oh the days when I could just fast and lose 6 pounds in 4 days. I wish that were possible still . . then i'd just do that! I think once i see 115 i'll be thrilled even.

I noticed at 114 i get this layer of fat that covers my tummy. It's hard to describe and I feel it more than anything. When I lay my palm flat against my stomach, it just feels different. like there is padding or something. It's right at 114 that it happens too. I think thats why 112 is the limit for me usually. Thats the most i can weigh without getting that extra lining of fat. I found old pics of me at 106. They inspire me to do something about this. I ate chips today for gods sake! I wasn't even hungry because i had also eaten a turkey sandwich!!! Again . . wasn't hungry. Bad me! Bad bad me! I get weird like that sometimes .. shaky . . paranoid . . i feel out of control sometimes and rather than taking control and walking away .. i eat the food. And I relax. It's done. I ate it. No more battling in my mind. I should have battled. My mind and emotions are so jummbled as it is though. I'm having all of this conflict. I'm use to focusing all of my energy on one thing at a time. I give my all to one thing at a time. All of my time, thoughts, work. For years it's been not eating. . losing weight.

Now though, i have a boy that i love more than anything i've ever known. His absence is rough on me. We don't get to see each other half as much as we'd both like. I'm in love so completely for the first time in my life. He can't take the backseat to my problems like the other boys did. This one is too important to me. I'm not willing to be fat or anything, don't get me wrong. I'm just having a hard time dedicating myself to him . .even his absence and my moping. Worrying about my weight will give me something to focus on while he's gone though.

When he is back or around I notice I rarely think of my weight except when we're eating and I start picking at my food and deciding before i take that first bite, how much is okay to eat. Heh. When he is around i'm not as dedicated to my eating issues as i should be. Maybe that's good but not until i get skinny. . then he can make me not worry so much. RIght now I'm content to feel and shitty as is fit.